I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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