She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
