she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
