Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
