I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
