Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
