The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
