I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
