i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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