his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
