I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Bang-toberfest begins!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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