the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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