Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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