i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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