remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
