Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
