Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
