do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
