Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How external is "for external use only"?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
