we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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