i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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