Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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