I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
