yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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