I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
