the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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