I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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