i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
