Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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