ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
