For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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