Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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