i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
