My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
