One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
