I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
