Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
