my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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