I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
