He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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