I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
