I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
