I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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