I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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