I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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