The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
