hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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