barbara walters just said penis...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
