Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
