I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
