that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's a naked man in my car right now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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